The Inner Monologe Essay

1564 words - 7 pages

My mind would wander a lot, and always seemed to end up landing on Amy. Amy is amazing, she's adorable but still sexy and a bit nerdy but in a good way, a way I can absolutely relate to.
I have no idea what caused me to like her in the way I do. I honestly never thought It would happen between us; not that I'm weird or anything but I came out gay, and I have actually been with a couple of guys. I didn’t think that I would be interested in girls ever again, but that goes to show just how special she is. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Amy since I first met her, always wondering when I'll next be able to see her and watching the time tick by until I'm able to talk to her. She ...view middle of the document...

Initially going back to school sounded exiting but after a while it put an enormous pressure on me, all of the work to do in such a limited time. I just couldn't get used to it. Not to mention my back was aching, my neck was sore and that vein under my eye came back more potently than ever. I couldn't sleep properly, couldn't eat properly and every waking moment I was thinking about school work and how I was possibly going to make it into Uni. As I depleted into a hollow work machine all I felt I could do to keep myself from completely slipping away was thinking of Amy but other times it put even more pressure on me to try to be a good boyfriend.
I did realise how full of potential my life would be if did well in school, but that kind of thinking only make more disconcerting thoughts travel through my head and stressed me about getting the best marks I possibly can.
I started to become unfit, unhealthy and more aggravated. My mum started to worry that I was pushing myself too severely but even if she was right I couldn't have let up when I'd come that far even though sometimes it felt like my body took too much of a toll and would just quit on me at any moment. These thoughts haunted me from day to day keeping the uneasy feeling I had prominent and distracting. I was just so tired of all of it.
At this point I was convinced that slipping back into depression was inevitable; I didn't let anyone realise this though, I had barely enough time as it is let alone time to go see someone about it. Sounds stupid thinking about it now after going through so much. All I could think of doing was to try to focus on the happier things in my life at the time, like Amy.
Eventually Amy started talking to me less and less but I can't blame her. Back then things were going well between us; but now I can’t say that thing are even remotely well.
The only thing that still drove me forward at that point was my strive to do something for this world, so in a sense if I can’t do that then I have no reason to keep going.
All this valuable to the world talk soon extinguished as the incredible pressure on me continued to thicken and it was getting to the point where I feared not meeting my expectations and not for filling my ambitions. This enveloping darkness that took a hold of me began to be unbearable, the bags under my eyes where more like bruises and the vain looked as if it was about to burst, I'd lash out at people for no reason and I pushed away everyone close to me. Mum was extremely worried and forced me to go see a doctor.
Even after seeing a doctor there was still no way that I was going to stop or reduce my study routine, I continued to push myself harder and harder until I could make it. The thing is I wasn't even sure what I was actually achieving anymore, all I knew was that I was useless...

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